Monday, 20 February 2017

WHY HOLIDAYS ARE PLANE SAILING!


                      February: dreams of blue skies and sandy beaches


I HAVE absolutely no scientific evidence to back up this next statement, but anyone who reads this fortnightly column knows that's never stopped me before.

Here goes: February is the month when most people book sun holidays.


The reason is simple. It's still cold and rainy outside and here in Northern climes, we are pale-faced and seriously lacking in Vitamin D. In theory, Spring is here. In reality, every bone in our body aches for warm sun and sandy beaches.

And the holiday catalogues, slyly slipped between the pages of national newspapers or delivered weekly through letterboxes, become our favourite reading.

We pore over those perfect photos of exotic places, mentally placing ourselves in the picture, holding a fruit punch and our Kindle, sun-kissed under a straw hat.

At some stage you have to cross a huge expanse of water

That's for those of us who like to travel, of course.


And anyone living on a smallish island hanging off the far western tip of Europe, knows how important that is.


Because the problem with island-living, is that you can't just hop in a car and drive to a different country to experience their wonderful culture/food/people. At some stage you have to cross a huge expanse of water.

And for many, herein lies the problem. Loads of people hate ferries. They get sea-sick, or nervous - or they hate the length of time it takes to travel. Whatever it is, crossing the sea by ship is out of the question.

Decanted all your liquids into poly-pocket-sized bottles

Flying is a different matter.

Anyone experience the annual joy of leaving the country, via airplane, with a family?

You've spent a week rolling the minimum of clothes into the tiniest of suitcases, decanted all your liquids into poly-pocket sized bottles, only to disrobe in front of half the country's population, because even though you are wearing NO METAL, the metal detector at the airport has other ideas!

Those treats aside, many people don't like to fly. Quite astounding, but there you go.

When our offspring were little, we spent two weeks one Summer on the beautiful island of Jersey, off the English coast.

It's everything you might imagine: quaint old villages, beautiful beaches, lovely people, wonderful weather. When we were there, the speed limit for the whole island was about 40 mph.*


Most interesting, the whole island is just under 45 square miles.


Which made it more astonishing when we met one resident who had never been off the island. Ever. He was a young man, about to be married. His bride-to-be was also from Jersey.

He was persuaded to attend a one-day Fear of Flying course

As he had a phobia about travelling over water, they would spend their honeymoon on the island. And set up home there.

The Dad (my dad) also harbours a life-long fear of flying. This, despite the fact that he worked for years in an industry which meant regular trips abroad. 

A few years ago, he was persuaded to attend a one-day Fear of Flying course, given by one of our biggest airlines.

He found himself in a room with a group of people, all ages and backgrounds. All with one thing in common.

It was all going splendidly, until The Dad began to ask questions.

"Do you know that you have a far greater chance of dying in a road crash, than you have of dying in a plane crash?" the instructor said. The Dad stuck up his hand.


"Wouldn't you also stand a far greater chance of walking away from a road crash, than a plane crash?"

The thing is, I can swim, but I can't fly

The instructor smiled patiently.
"Well, did you also know that you have a far greater chance of being on a sinking ferry, than being in a plane crash?"

"I think I'd prefer to take my chances with the ferry," said The Dad. "The thing is, I can swim, but I can't fly."

All of this must have had some effect on me. I travel by plane, but I'm never too happy about it.


One year, pre-holiday, I mentioned my nerves to the sales person in my local health shop. She produced a mild, natural remedy for relaxation.

I figured it probably wouldn't help, but it wouldn't do any harm. I took it an hour before we boarded the plane.

Within twenty minutes of boarding, I was fast asleep. I woke up just as we were landing, helped to organise the offspring, collect the bags and find our rented car. We had a two hour drive ahead of us. And I was the map reader.

The husband later told me that The Eldest, who was about eleven at the time, read the map from the back seat. I snored the whole way there. He was baffled as to why I was so tired.

In hindsight, I should have foreseen what would happen. I can barely manage a half glass of wine WITH FOOD, and more than one painkiller gives me a disconcerting high.

When it comes to sedatives - natural or not - I am clearly a light-weight.


I still fly.

But these days, I just brace myself.

                                                             *

* I am not being paid to promote Jersey!


Dear reader,
Big welcome from Dublin, and thanks a million for popping by.
Please SHARE this column via the sharing buttons below.

My new competition continues: simply become a FOLLOWER of this blog. When I get 50 followers, I will put the names into a hat and gift an e-copy of my book, through Amazon, to 3 winners. 


To celebrate my publisher's 5th Anniversary, there's a big birthday SALE this week. My Irish romantic comedy, GOING AGAINST TYPE is one of the many fabulous books reduced at Tirgearr Publishing. Amazon USA 99cAmazon UK   99p


***For your chance to win a #KindleFire and lots of other prizes and bargains, join in the fun at #TirgearrPublishing's Birthday Bash: www.tirpub.com/birthday.***


If you'd like to get THIS FUNNY IRISH LIFE FREE via email every fortnight, go to the Follow by Email box to the top right of this post.

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Have a lovely week, 
Hugs & xx
Sharon.

Monday, 6 February 2017

SPRING FEVERS




                                        Artistic endeavours always seem possible in Spring.


FEBRUARY 1st marked St Bridget's Day in Ireland. It also marked the first day of Spring.

By anyone's standards, it wasn't a bad start to the new season. It might have drizzled rain all day, but it was warm.

The fact that February 2nd was cold and stormy, is neither here nor there. It's Springtime in Ireland. And that's a cause for celebration.

It's also a time for Spring fevers. And I don't mean the type that send you crawling back to bed with hot drinks and painkillers. I experienced that particular joy for half of January!

Looking back, I know I was delusional

But with new year resolutions already a distant memory, Spring lends itself to new projects. 

No matter how mad.

One February I decided that decluttering the house AND painting all the pine furniture would be a perfect 28 day job.

Looking back, I know I was delusional. At the time, I wondered how I'd never thought of it before.

The first day was fantastic: a whole room got decluttered.

And even though nobody noticed how minimalist the bathroom was, I didn't mind.

By day four, I despaired of the whole throwing-stuff-out part of the project. It's not something I do well. I turned my attentions instead, to the painting bit.

When people enquire, I tell them it's a special paint technique

To this day, we have a strangely painted, blue mirror in the guest loo. It sports a giant, white silk flower in the top corner. The Middle One, who's very artistic, is deeply embarrassed by it. When people enquire, I tell them that it's a special paint technique.

It isn't. It's simply that I used the wrong sort of paint, and wasn't able to get the cover I needed on the wood.

I abandoned that particular project after that, much to my family's relief.

Then there was the year I thought growing mushrooms in my laundry room, was the pinnacle of self sufficiency. The kit came via a mail order company.

My excitement, when it arrived, was almost too much: the Styrofoam box filled with soil and the beginnings of a year's supply of mushrooms.

Clearly, it was a slow month.

But it got more exciting about a week later.

     "Where's those batteries I bought?" the husband asked.
     "What batteries?"
     "Pretty sure I left them in the laundry room."
     "Did you look?"
     "Of course I did. By the way, I found an old box of dirt out there."
     "You didn't do anything awful with it, did you?"
     "I scattered it around the flower beds in the garden. I wouldn't just throw it out, obviously."

Imagine her horror when thousands of small, white maggots spilled out

The best Spring project I ever heard about, also involved gardening. Although on a grander scale than growing mushrooms in a box.

A friend's husband announced that he was planning a decent-sized vegetable plot. It would be done properly. The first thing needed, apparently, was a good compost bin.

The friend paid no attention to any of this. It was the husband's project. And he was happy not to share too many details.

So when a box arrived in the post a couple of weeks later, she brought it in to the kitchen and opened it. I can only imagine her horror, when thousands of small, white maggots spilled out onto her table and all over the floor: the starter kit for the compost bin.

That evening, her husband arrived home to a spotlessly clean kitchen and a note from his wife to say she was spending the night on her own in a local hotel.

He got a week in the spare room.

Spring fevers? Like any kind, you're best to let them run their course.

And hope you'll come through the other side.

                                                          *


Dear reader,
Big welcome from Dublin, and thanks a million for popping by.


Please SHARE this column via the sharing buttons below. Or feel free to leave a comment :)

This month, I'm starting a little competition. Simply become a FOLLOWER of this blog. When I get 50 followers, I will put the names into a hat and gift an e-copy of my book, through Amazon, to 3 winners. 



If you'd like to get THIS FUNNY IRISH LIFE FREE via email every fortnight, go to the Follow by Email box to the top right of this post.

What does that mean?
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   2. Your email address will NEVER be shared or misused.
No spamming - I promise.


Meanwhile, with Valentine's Day around the corner, why not treat yourself to an Irish romantic comedy, 'Going Against Type'?

The link below will bring you to Tirgearr Publishing, where you can enjoy some free sample chapters, and buy links for every e-reader.

Tirgearr Publishing
 


Have a lovely week, 
Hugs & xx
Sharon.

Monday, 23 January 2017

YOU'RE GOING OUT LIKE THAT?

                       January nights out are more difficult when you've got Christmas baggage!

'YOU'RE not going out dressed like that.'        
'I am. What's wrong with it?'

       
'What's wrong with it? The neckline is way too low and the skirt is way too short! It's a bit slutty!'


I stare at my younger daughter and roll my eyes.


I'm still carrying all those extra seasonal pounds.    
'First of all, that's the sort of thing I'm supposed to say to you! You're not supposed to tell me what to wear.'


She peers at me over gorgeous, hipster spectacles.

      
'I have to, when you appear in something like that, Mum. I'm trying to save you from making a show of yourself.'


The husband and I are having dinner with some friends. I'm really looking forward to it. Or at least I was, until about two minutes ago.

       
Part of the problem, of course, is Christmas. To be more specific, the fact that we're barely through the other side. And I'm still carrying all those extra seasonal pounds.

The dress - the little black number that I've had, since my offspring were too young to notice what I wore - is stretchy. Which is why I'm wearing it tonight.

         
And I've dressed it down. This is a casual enough get together with friends, after all. I'm wearing a skinny black top underneath, so her accusation that my neckline is too low is a moot point.

Ditto the hemline. I'm wearing ribbed tights. With boots! It's all very Boho.

         
'Have you a nice skirt and top you could wear, Mum?' Her tone is the same one that the husband uses when he's asking the eldest if she'll be warm enough, as she heads out clubbing.

I'm wearing this. Get over yourself.

Just before he tries to persuade her to wear a cardigan.


The fact that she looks exactly the same as I used to at her age has completely escaped him.

         
'I'm sure I have a nice skirt and top,' I tell our middle child. 'But I'm wearing this. Get over yourself.'

        
'Fine.' She goes upstairs. Bloody cheek, I think. I look....great. And my hair is definitely working. I had it professionally styled yesterday. No, I look grand. Really.

The husband appears, jacket on, car keys in hand.

       
'You right?' says he.

       
'We're off, you lot. See you later!' I check on the boy, who's curled up in front of the TV, being minded by the eldest. The middle one comes running down the stairs, just as we go to leave.

         
'Wait, Mum. You're going to need this.'

       
'What is it?'


She thrusts something soft, long and floaty into my arms.

         
'It'll look great with that outfit,' she says. Her eyes plead with mine.


I sigh, and take the damned cardigan.

                                                           *


* Dear Reader, this column first appeared in This Funny Irish Life in Jan 2016. I have been sick, and was unable to write my column for this Monday. My column will return to normal for Monday, Feb 6. 

To share my column, please check the sharing buttons below. Or feel free to leave a comment :)

If you'd like to get THIS FUNNY IRISH LIFE FREE via email every fortnight, go to the Follow by Email box to the top right of this post.

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   2. Your email address will NEVER be shared or misused.
No spamming - I promise.


One last thing: If you're looking for a light, fun, romantic read this new year, why not give my Irish romantic comedy, 'Going Against Type' a try?

The link below will bring you to the page at Tirgearr Publishing, where you can enjoy some free sample chapters, and all the buy links for every e-reader.*

Tirgearr Publishing
 


See you next time with a brand new column,
Hugs & xx
Sharon.

Monday, 9 January 2017

12 New Year Resolutions

                                                 
                                                    New Year Resolutions: Make a List!



SO HERE it is. After all the hype, all the weird and wonderful of 2016, the New Year has arrived.

And in the spirit of all that is new and fresh, I have decided to make a list of resolutions.

I know a lot of people make lists. Some people even stick to them.

But apart from scribbling down daily reminders of what I need to do in a desk diary - and believe me, if it's not in the diary, it doesn't get done - I tend to avoid them. 

However, 2017 is a new me. And so to my list.


1. Get to bed by 10.30 every night.

It might not seem like a big deal. Actually, it is. This is because some strange part of my brain tells me that the night hours are an excellent time for cleaning the kitchen or doing the laundry.

For some reason, I get a burst of energy, just when other people are powering down. It could be guilt. Who knows?

On occasion, I am also glued to a movie. Sadly, this is sometimes a horror movie. I say sadly, because I end up watching it BY MYSELF. Afterwards I am too terrified to move.

Especially up a dark stairs and into a dark bedroom, in a bid not to waken the rest of the family. Unless of course they've already been woken by my shrieks of terror as I watch the TV.

Plus, if I manage to get to bed by 10.30, I have some hope of getting up early the following morning. I am not a morning person.


2. Eat a better diet.

In my dreams I bounce out of bed, after a perfect 7 hours' sleep, to eat a breakfast of home-made muesli, tonnes of fruit and a mug of green tea.

In reality I drag myself out of bed to force down some packet muesli or eggs (fried!), followed by my morning coffee as soon as I can get it.


3. Eat less cheese.

I'm not cheating by making this a separate point. I love cheese in the way other people love chocolate (I love that too, but let's not get distracted).

I read that you can become addicted to cheese, in the same way you can become addicted to hard drugs. It's a possibility I'm willing to consider.


4. Lose Weight.

Says practically every woman, every year. What can I say? See 2. and 3.


5. Live in the moment.

Rather than in denial. I do denial extremely well. Like being completely unprepared for Christmas a week before Christmas. Because I have a whole week!

Or knowing I will lose a stone in weight for a wedding. When the wedding is less than a month away.

Denial: not just a river in Egypt.


6. Plan better.

Which, at a glance, seems to be the opposite of living in the moment. My theory is that if you can plan that moment, you can live it better. At this moment, that makes perfect sense to me. Moving on.


7. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Like the time I accidentally dropped a casserole dish on the kitchen floor and it smashed and cracked a tile so badly, we still have tape over it.

The tiles cover the whole floor and the cracked tile looks awful. I got more upset about the broken casserole. And the dinner I'd just made in it.


8. Use a bell.
It will mean less shouting at the offspring. Note I didn't say NO SHOUTING at the offspring. This is a list of resolutions, not miracles.

9. Exercise more.

This may appear to be part of the whole losing weight plan, but in fact I just need those extra endorphins. If losing weight is a side-effect, I'll take it on the chin. Or you know, off my hips. Whichever is more convenient.


10. Learn yoga.

I have a confession. I'm less interested in the whole mind-body-spirit thing, and more influenced by somebody I know who actually teaches yoga.

She is older than me. She still looks about 30: at a push. So the yoga aspiration is pure vanity. Now you know.


11. Declutter.

Be honest, if you've read my column before you knew this would be in here. Sometimes (late at night when I should be in bed) I declutter a small space.

Then I stand in that space and breathe. I'm convinced the air is different after I throw stuff out.

The possibility of decluttering the whole house is mind-blowing. Which might dove-tail nicely with yoga. I'll find out.


12. Stop making lists.

They're exhausting. And a bit scary.

                                                          *


A very Happy New Year to everyone. I'm looking forward to 2017, with a host of new columns, each of which will appear, as always, once a fortnight. 

If you'd like to share my column, please check the sharing buttons below.

Please feel free to leave a comment, I'm always thrilled to hear from readers around the world. 


If you'd like to get THIS FUNNY IRISH LIFE FREE via email every fortnight, go to the Follow by Email box to the top right of this post.

What does that mean?
   1. You'll NEVER MISS my fun, fortnightly personal column + updates/guest author posts!
   2. Your email address will NEVER be shared or misused.
No spamming - I promise.


*If you're looking for a light, fun, romantic read this new year, why not give my Irish romantic comedy, 'Going Against Type' a try?

The link below will bring you to the page at Tirgearr Publishing, where you can enjoy some free sample chapters, and all the buy links for every e-reader.*

Tirgearr Publishing
 

Health and happiness for 2017,
Hugs & xx,
Sharon.
 

Monday, 26 December 2016

BREAKING THE ICE: BLADES OF SHAME.

                                   
                               Frozen wonderlands: but some of us should never skate!      


THE MIDDLE one bounces home from school, just before the Christmas holidays, with a big announcement.

"We're going ice-skating," she says. I look at her. No we're not, I think. The last time somebody in this family went ice-skating, he broke his elbow. He's still doing the physiotherapy exercises.

"With my year in school," she says, correctly reading my mind.

"Oh, right. When?"

"Tomorrow. Can't wait! I've never been ice-skating."

There is a good reason for that, but I decide to keep my negative thoughts on snow and ice to myself.

Where everyone dresses up and girls get proposed to...seriously romantic.

"You know, I don't know why we don't have permanent ice-skating rinks in Ireland. We could get in practice, then. Oh, you know what would be brilliant? A huge frozen lake like they have in New York at Christmas.

"Where everyone dresses up and whizzes around in circles, and girls get proposed to, and there's restaurants and cafes all around it, and you can drink your hot chocolate and look out. Seriously romantic, Mum."


Seriously unrealistic. Unless we undergo monumental climate change and have below freezing temperatures during the winter.

Clearly she's watched too much Frozen. I decide to offer some practical advice.


"Wrap up warmly."

"We're allowed to wear our own clothes, so I'll be wrapped up like a snowman."

"They're usually naked, except for a scarf."

I had to be scraped off the pavement by a colleague.

She rolls her eyes. The following day, she arrives home, limbs mercifully intact.


"How was the ice-skating?" I ask.

"Horrendous. I'm completely traumatised." She has a tendency for drama.

"What happened?"

"It was horrible, Mum. Everyone else was out there, scooting around, linking arms with their friends. One girl was skating backwards and doing turns! And I was holding on to the edge, because I knew I was going to die."

Melodrama aside, she may have learned an important lesson. In a small country, with a temperate climate, we don't have access to ice rinks and frozen lakes.


With the result that the small number of man-made rinks which pop up at this time of the year, tend to be sites of a ridiculous number of daft injuries.


It's the same way that most Irish people will never ski as well as say, the Swiss. Who all probably receive a miniature set of skis from the government when they are born.


But I say none of this to the distraught middle child. What I say is:


"Did you get out there at all?"

"Eventually," she says. "And then I fell. Really hard! On my bottom!"

Whoever came up with the idea of attaching knives to your feet to slide around all over the ice?

I can empathise. I even find it difficult to walk in the snow, when it starts to freeze over. I clearly remember crossing the river Liffey years ago, on my way into work.

I slipped on the icy bridge, ended up in the splits, and had to be scraped off the pavement by a colleague, who wasn't sure whether to laugh or commiserate.


"Your bottom is a good place to land. Did you go out again?"

"Why would I do that?" There is indignation in her voice. "Whoever came up with the idea of attaching knives to your feet to slide around all over the ice, is a complete..." she trails away, frustrated.

"So, will you have another go at it, do you think?"

"Never! I mean, I thought it'd be like Blades of Glory, or something." She starts to laugh at the admission. "You know the worst part?"

I think I can guess.

"There was this boy working there...."

My daughter. The ice queen.

Or not.

                                                                                  #

A very Happy Christmas to all my readers, and a huge thank you for visiting my blog this year, to read my fortnightly column.
If you'd like to share my column, please see the little buttons below.

Please feel free to leave a comment, I'm always thrilled to hear from readers around the world. 


If you'd like to get THIS FUNNY IRISH LIFE FREE via email every fortnight, please go to the Follow by Email box to the top right of this post.

What does that mean?
   1. You'll NEVER MISS my fun, fortnightly personal column + updates/guest author posts!
   2. Your email address will NEVER be shared or misused.
No spamming - I promise.


*If you received an e-reader this Christmas, and are looking for a light, fun read over the holidays, why not give my Irish romantic comedy, 'Going Against Type' a try?

The link below will bring you to the page at Tirgearr Publishing, where you can enjoy some free sample chapters, and all the buy links for every e-reader.*

Tirgearr Publishing


Enjoy the rest of the holiday season.
Hugs & xx,
Sharon.
 


Monday, 12 December 2016

*Christmas Telly: Tune in Together*


                    Remember when the only screen in your home was a shared TV?


I'M GOING to go out on a limb here and declare that Christmas is the best time of the year for telly. 


There are tonnes of reasons why the advent - pun intended - of seasonal movies and fun quizzes, bring a warm, fuzzy feeling. 


And they're not what you might imagine. For a start, I'm not actually a telly addict. In fact, days might pass where I don't even switch it on. Those days, admittedly, tend to be a bit of a blur, but I digress.


Watching TV by oneself is never half as enjoyable.

Nor do I cheat by tuning into other screens. I don't have Netflix (yes, I know), and I don't know how to stream movies or series. Is that even legal? I haven't a clue.


Because for me, part of the enjoyment of watching TV, is the ritual. It goes a bit like this:


1. Choose the programme.


2. Get the work/cooking/running around after family/ordering around said family, organised in time to watch the programme.


3. Ensure the fire is lit, the room is tidy and the lighting perfect. Think warm glow of table lamps; none of your 'big lights', thanks very much.


4. Boil the kettle and make tea. Popcorn desirable, but not essential.


I'm a simple person.


TV time meant the whole, rowdy family sitting in the one room.

But it's not quite enough. And here's the crunch.
Watching TV by oneself is never half as enjoyable, as watching it with other people.

As a child, watching TV by oneself was rarely an option. There was one screen in the house. It came with a maximum of four to six channels (but only if you lived in Dublin). I know a lot of people who grew up in Two-Channel-Land: our national stations.


TV time meant the whole, rowdy family sitting in the one rom, arguing with the chat show host,  shouting encouragement to the hero in the thriller, squirming at the kiss-y bits in the romance, as our parents carefully avoided eye contact.


Now, the sight of a whole family coming together to watch the same thing on TV, is so rare, that it's not just a thing, it's a phenomenon. It has a name: shared media.


Which brings me back to Christmas TV. And why its importance in this part of the world, can't be overstated. Well, it can, obviously, but bear with me.


Unlike many of our European neighbours, Irish people get substantial Christmas holidays. Of course, these exclude our fantastic essential services people (Gardaí, medical people) and rather sadly, retailers, who barely get a break at all.


TV programmers tend to put a lot of thought into their scheduling.

But our schools break up around December 22. The new terms don't begin until after Little Christmas on January 6.


Most industries break up around the same time as the schools, and generally speaking, people are off until January 2.


So TV programmers tend to put a lot of thought into their scheduling, with the result that you'll get a fair mix of old favourites, new movies and plenty of Christmas specials over the period.


And there's more of a chance that I'll get The Eldest, The Middle One and The Boy to sit and watch with me. Even if it means that the older two are also on their phones, chatting to friends on Facebook.

Usually about whatever lame movie from the dinosaur era that their mother is making them watch. But I'm a patient person.


Last year, I managed to persuade The Boy to watch It's A Wonderful Life. I watch it every year. The Boy didn't quite get it: it didn't make a lot of sense, he said. I'll see if he'll give it another go, this Yuletide season.

I spent the first few weeks wondering if I could hide it behind a bamboo screen.

Another year, the husband bought a new telly just in time for Christmas. In fairness, our old TV had had its day and was almost walking to the recycling yard by itself. But our new TV - our current TV - is massive.

Men love it, of course. They wax lyrical about how great the sport looks on a big screen. Women give me knowing looks and shake their heads in sympathy.

I was so astounded at the size of the thing, that I spent the first few weeks wondering if I could hide it behind a tasteful bamboo screen.

But at Christmas time, even I love it. There is nothing like the joy of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, or The Wizard of Oz, watched on a big screen. 

Bring on the Christmas telly and those warm, fuzzy feelings.

I'm not beyond bribing the family to share it with me.

                                                          *


A very warm December welcome from Dublin, and I hope you enjoyed today's column.

I'd love if you shared it. (Check the little buttons below).

Please feel free to leave a comment - they're moderated to stop spamming, but I check every day, and I always publish and reply to genuine comments.


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Have a wonderful week,
Hugs & xx,
Sharon.
 

Monday, 28 November 2016

DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION: MY WORST MISTAKES.



  Car accidents: if everyone gets to drive away unhurt, write it off to experience.


THE ground is frosty, as I pour warm water on my car windows and switch on the engine to drop my younger two to school.

As I've done for the last twenty years, I begin my reverse out of my narrow driveway, onto the small quiet road. As always, I inch out, stopping when I reach the pathway, checking mirrors and the car's rear-view camera, before I go any further.

But at the last moment, I'm distracted and I misjudge the angle of my turn. The front right corner of my car gets wedged in the wrought iron gate.

"Oh my God."
The middle child turns to me.
"What?"
"We're stuck."
"Mum, take it easy."
"No!"

I haven't so much as a smudged finger mark on the damned car.

It comes out louder than I intended. "No, no, no, please no." My car is only two years old. After years of driving my old one, replacing engines and gear boxes, remembering that the electric windows didn't work in cold weather, we managed to replace it.

Two years. And I haven't so much as a smudged finger mark on the damned car.
Until now.

"Oh God, I have to do something." It is a prayer.
"Well yeah, or we'll be late for school." This from the boy in the back seat.

"I'm doing something!" Panicking, mainly. I glance over my shoulder and try to continue my reverse. The car doesn't budge.

"Mum, are you having a mid-life crisis?" asks the boy.

Sweating now, I shift into first gear, rev the engine and drive forward. With a sickening clunk, the car dislodges itself from the gate and we are back in the middle of the driveway.

Shakily, I get out to inspect the damage. It's scraped, but worse, right underneath the right front light, the metal has been pulled apart. Thankfully, it's safe to drive. I get back in and start to reverse again.

"I can't reverse anymore."
The middle one sighs.
"Yes you can."
"Yes, I can."

I take it slowly and reverse perfectly. A couple of minutes later, the tears come, surprising me, as we shuffle along in traffic. The middle child hands me some tissues from the glove box, and I mop my face when we stop at lights.

"Mum, are you having a mid-life crisis?" asks the boy. I start to laugh, and it turns into hiccups.
"No, it's just shock."

"I'll drive back," I offered, "what's the worse that can happen?"

In all the years I've been driving, I've only ever had one accident. Nobody was hurt. But it was as shocking as it was dramatic.

We were taking a family holiday in Northern Spain when the children were young, and we'd hired a car and bought the highest available car insurance. For the sake of our annual two weeks' holiday, we wanted peace of mind.

On day three of our holiday, we drove up into the hills of the town, and parked behind a truck, to buy some pastries in a little bakery.

"I'll drive back," I offered. "It's only down through the town. What's the worst that can happen?"

Until now, I had left all the driving on the wrong side of the road, to the husband. I got into the car, and realised the steering wheel had disappeared. I got out again, and slid in the other side. The road looked very different. Gears looked very different, as I reached down with my right hand.

The front panel hung to the ground like an open sardine can.

"I'll guide you out and then I'll get in," said the husband. No problem. I could do this. I turned the key and then I turned the car.

I watched as the whole front right side of it disappeared under the back of the truck. What happened then is, to this day, a bit of a blur. Disbelief turned to shock, and I sat frozen, until huge sobs escaped me.

The truck driver appeared, and the husband, blessedly fluent in the language, stepped in. The police arrived. We showed them driving licences, and our 'Super Cover'.

They checked everything, got all the reports signed, and told the truck driver and ourselves not to worry. The insurance covered everyone, and nobody would be out of pocket.

The people from the bakery took one look at me, and at the ashen faces of the children, and offered lollipops and reassuring words.

When we finally managed to pull the car and the truck apart, the front panel of our rental had peeled back, and now hung to the ground like an open sardine can. The local bike-hire owner brought out a hammer, and banged the car back into some sort of driveable shape.

The truck driver shook hands with the husband, the husband shook hands with everyone else, and I managed to climb into the passenger seat.

It was my first major car accident.

It was also my first and last attempt to drive on the other side of the road.

Less than an hour after I catch my car in the gate, I pass my local mechanic in the village. I mention what happened.

"Nobody was hurt," says he. "And nobody else was involved. Your car, your gate. Metal can be fixed." And he gives me a hug.

The tension leaves my body like a physical thing.

Free lollipops...kind police...a non-shouty truck driver.

A hug.

                                                     *



QUICK NOTE:
My romantic comedy, Going Against Type (see page to the top right of this column) is on SALE for 99c/99p this weekend, until Monday, December 5th. Popping in the links:
: 99c
: 99p


                                                            *

A very warm welcome from Dublin, and I hope you enjoyed today's column.

I would be delighted if you shared it. (Check the little buttons below).

Please feel free to leave a comment - they're moderated to stop spamming, but I check every day, and I'm always delighted to publish and reply to genuine comments.


Fancy getting THIS FUNNY IRISH LIFE FREE via Email? (See the Follow by Email box to the top right of this post).

What does that mean?
   1. You'll NEVER MISS my fun, fortnightly personal column + updates/guest author posts!
   2. Your email address will NEVER be shared or misused.
No spamming - I promise.

Have a lovely week,
Hugs & xx,
Sharon.
 

Monday, 14 November 2016

EMBRACE THE COLD: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT WINTER.


                                Winter: Embrace your inner Hygge.

I KNOW PEOPLE who are counting the days to Christmas. Fair enough, you might think. It's already November 14th.

But these people have been marking off the weeks since September. Which is about as much fun as a drunk Santa. Because embracing your inner elf is not the same as embracing Winter.

Winter is a whole season: a whole quarter of the year. And in colder climes than our little island, it's even longer than that. 


Christmas and Winter become interchangeable.


There are of course lots of people who do embrace Winter. Clasp it to their woolly bosoms. A female friend of mine positively prefers it to Summer. It's a colour thing, apparently. A few years back she got her colours done with a beautician, who told her the Winter palette suited her skin. 

And no sooner has she climbed into knee-high boots, and swathed herself in warm greys, maroons and chocolate browns, than she seems to glow.

For the rest of us, Christmas and Winter become interchangeable. One minute, we're binning the carved-out pumpkins and packing away the plastic skeletons; the next we're wondering where we've put the manger and whether we fixed the wonky Christmas tree lights last January.

Not for them condensation running down the windows.

Because the reminders are everywhere, for months on end. The shops start sneaking Christmas confectionary onto their shelves in September, and by October the husband is buying mince pies, because, well, aren't they only once a year?

The stress of it all.

Our European neighbours do it all better. Britain aside (their retailers seem to be as daft as ours), most of the countries on what we used to quaintly refer to as "The Continent", seem able to strike the balance.

Celebrating Winter is something they've been doing beautifully for a long time. Granted, they probably have to. The Northern climes get a lot more cold weather, and they're almost guaranteed snow every year.

But they know how to make it fun to stay in. Not for them condensation running down the windows and worrying about leaving on the immersion after your shower.

They have houses designed to keep in heat, roaring fires, softly glowing scented candles, cosy throws, snug slippers....I've seen those Ikea catalogues.

They invest in real thermals and snow boots, so they can browse their elegant Winter markets, buying hot roasted nuts, decadent hot chocolate and home-made gingerbread.

More a philosophy than just hot drinks and mad looking slippers.

Embracing Winter is so important in countries with long winters, they have words that can't be properly translated. The Swedes, for example, have Fredagsmys, which is best translated as Friday Cosiness. It's basically staying in on a Friday night, with snacks, a movie and a decent fire.

You can be sure that this is all done in an aesthetically pleasing way. Because they're Swedish.

The Danes, on the other hand, do Hygge (pronounced Hoo-Gah). It's a sort of life-style change, a mind-set where you completely embrace everything the season offers. More a philosophy than just hot drinks and mad looking slippers, which makes it difficult for most Irish people to understand.

But you know, fair play to them.

Meanwhile, I've at least come to the conclusion that giving out about how cold the house is, is not going to make Winter any shorter.

It's time to unearth the warm jacket, go for bracing walks and reward myself with hot chocolate. And avoid shopping centres for as long as I can decently manage.

Christmas will wait and be worth it all the more, for the wait.

Because if I see another chocolate Santa this side of December, I may be tempted to stamp on it. 

Deep breaths.

Embrace my inner Hygge.


                                                                                 *


A warm Winter welcome from Dublin, and I hope you enjoyed today's column.

I would be delighted if you shared it. (Check the little buttons below).

I'd also be interested to hear how you celebrate Winter! Please feel free to leave a comment - they're moderated to stop spamming, but I check every day, and I'm always delighted to publish and reply to genuine comments.


Fancy getting THIS FUNNY IRISH LIFE FREE via Email? (See the Follow by Email box to the top right of this post).

What does that mean?
   1. You'll NEVER MISS my fun, fortnightly personal column + updates/guest author posts!
   2. Your email address will NEVER be shared or misused.
No spamming - I promise.

Have a lovely week,
Hugs & xx,
Sharon.
 

Thursday, 10 November 2016

#AMAZON #SALE


                                                      On Sale for 99c/99p on Amazon.

Morning everyone,
A quick side step away from my normal blog, just to flag a 99c/99p Amazon SALE of my romantic comedy, 'Going Against Type' today.
To read a blurb/excerpt and see what some of the reviewers are saying, check out the Going Against Type Page in the top right hand column of this blog.
Below are the buy links.
: 99c : 99p

I'll be back on Monday, November 14 with my regular fortnightly column.

Until then, have a great weekend.
And happy reading. ;)

Hugs & xx,
Sharon.

Monday, 31 October 2016

Halloween Terror: One Scary Night.


                    Halloween: Welcome to The Adams Family neighbourhood!


HALLOWEEN terrifies me.

A huge admission, I know, but before anyone chokes in disbelief on their breakfast cereal, let me add that miniature monsters and giggling ghouls don't actually frighten me.

Bring on the cackling, battery operated witches, the huge hairy spiders stuck to the ivy, and all those scooped out pumpkins, their cleverly carved faces illuminated in the dark night. No worries there.

What puts the spooks on me, so to speak, is the effort it takes to keep up with the neighbours.

For weeks now, houses on our road have decorated their windows with dozens of tiny paper pumpkins, black spiders hanging artfully on delicate threads, wisps of white web strewn across hedges and along garden walls.

Other people get the whole October theme so right.

Another artistic neighbour organises a pathway of storm lanterns up to her door, and winds Halloween-themed paper lanterns around trees and shrubs.

That other people get the whole end-of-October look so right, never fails to make me wonder - and fills me with self-doubt.

Not for them the ugly mishmash of paper skeletons, arms and legs re-taped year to year, the plastic pumpkins and cauldrons, broomsticks and tatty witches' cloaks and glow-in-the-dark candles with silly faces.

Which has to mean,
     1. They all have far better taste than me: a distinct possibility. Or,
     2. At some point, they threw away all the tat and upgraded their decorations.
Also highly plausible.

I blame the retailers. The kids are barely back to school at the end of August, when they go into Halloween overdrive, flogging everything from talking skeletons to Halloween wreaths, to cute costumes for babies.

In the US...every single person seems to dress up on October 31st

There are probably cute pet costumes too, but given that most four-legged family members have to be kept indoors, and often sedated during the fireworks season, I can't really see that idea catching on.

Anyone reading this column in the US, might be shaking their head in wonder. Although I've never been state-side during Halloween, I've seen enough TV. It delights and amazes me, that every single person seems to dress up on October 31st. And that there are so many parties!

When our kids were little, we caved one year and threw a Halloween party for friends and neighbours. All the children dressed up, and so did some of their parents, until they realised that they were making the toddlers hysterical.

The grownups behaved like people who couldn't believe they were enjoying adult company at 6.30 in the evening with their kids in tow! The kids ate more sugar in a few short hours than they'd probably eaten in a month. And the smallest ones quickly used up all their energy, then fell asleep. 

A success, by most people's standards.

Former weeny witches heading out as s**y witches.

And vastly removed from the parties our children attend, once they hit their late teens. The costumes for this age group, particularly the girls, are eye-opening.

You haven't been terrified on October 31st until you've seen former weeny witches heading out for the night dressed as 's**y witch', or 's**y ghost girl' or 's**y devil' or...well, you get the idea.

Meanwhile, it might be time to update my rather sad Halloween decorations. I could try tasteful, low-key stuff. Artfully arranged in windows and um, hidden in my untidy front garden. 

Two chances.

Plastic witch with those jellied eyeballs, anyone?
                                                                     *


A very happy Halloween welcome from Dublin; thanks a million for dropping in today. Wherever you are, I hope you enjoy the 31st, whether or not you celebrate Halloween. And I'd love to hear from you. 
    

If you enjoyed my column, I'd love if you shared it (little buttons below).


Fancy getting THIS FUNNY IRISH LIFE FREE via Email? (See the Follow by Email box to the top right of this post).

What does that mean?
   1. You'll NEVER MISS my fun, fortnightly personal column + updates/guest author posts!
   2. Your email address will NEVER be shared or misused.
No spamming - I promise.

Have a great week,
Hugs & xx,
Sharon.